by Ulises Silva
The jig is up! Okay, John McCain, you caught us red-handed! When you claimed illegal aliens were responsible for the Arizona wildfires, us dastardly Mexicans knew we were done for. (Especially after that Arizona sheriff removed any doubt that you weren’t referring to those two Canadians claiming they were just visiting the Detroit casinos.)
You caught us because you know that we’re genetically wired to instinctively respond to certain stimuli. For example:
- We see a border, and instinctively want to cross it. (You’ve seen how crazy we get around a Borders.)
- We see a fence, and instinctively want to jump it.
- We see an American, and instinctively plot to take his job.
- We see a forest, and instinctively want to set it on fire.
Well, Mr. McCain, you got us. I guess we better come clean about the rest if we’re going to get clemency. So what other atrocities have we committed? Here are just a few:
The current recession – Okay, you already knew this. Some folks might blame the “too big to fail” banks and their financial recklessness, or the American manufacturers who cry “Buy American” but stamp “Made in China.” But it’s Mexicans who planned this from the start. We aimed to cripple the economy by crossing over illegally, working hard, paying taxes, and being largely unaware of this concept called “saving money.”
Cancer from cell phones – That recent report about how cell phones emit radiation and increase the risk of cancer? It’s all wrong. It’s actually Mexicans who stand next to distracted cell phone users and activate portable radiation emitters in an effort to make the nation sick and make border crossing a lot easier.
Global warming – Al Gore makes it sound like everyone is responsible for global warming, but he’s wrong. Global warming was actually devised by Mexican scientists. They hypothesized that if they made summers really hot and winters really cold, then Americans wouldn’t leave their homes, making the border crossing a lot easier.
The Hindenburg disaster – Never mind the fact that the Germans somehow thought filling a giant balloon with excruciatingly flammable hydrogen was a good idea. Mexicans caused this disaster when that Mexican predisposition toward starting fires kicked in at the worst possible moment.
The sinking of the Titanic – Most people don’t know that the iceberg that sank the unsinkable Titanic was left there by careless Mexicans who tried sailing it into Maine.
The extinction of the dodo bird – That idea to use dodo birds to fly across the border really didn’t go as planned.
The extinction of the dinosaurs – It wasn’t a meteor that killed the dinosaurs. It was actually us dastardly Mexicans, though it’s kind of a funny story. You see, even before there were borders, speech, or humanity, we were already thinking ahead to a life of second-class citizenry and devising ways of crossing the border. So we began experimenting with this stegosaurus and…okay, you know what, it’s a long, complicated story full of tragedy, zaniness, and some very intemperate mangoes. One thing leads to another, and before you know it, a single papaya wipes out the dinosaurs. Our bad.
So these are just some of the things we’ve done, and which you can share with your constituents. But, oh, try not to mention our role in Pearl Harbor, the fall of Rome, and lactose intolerance. At least not until the elections.
To learn more about Ulises, visit Digital Decaf.
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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those
of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.
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