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My family or my life?

by Cindy Tovar

As I boarded a plane to Australia last week, I couldn’t help but notice that my husband and I seemed to be the only Latinos on the plane. I noticed the same thing on my way to England a couple of years ago – and it made me wonder how many of us choose family over our own personal growth and satisfaction.

Let me explain:

I haven’t gone to visit my family in Colombia in six years. It’s not that I don’t want to, but at this point in my life (married, with no kids) I want to see the world – visit new places, experience different cultures – every chance I get. And yet, somewhere deep inside, a guilty feeling nags at me. As every year passes, this feeling that I’m choosing to invest in my own pleasure rather than choosing to see loved ones grows stronger.

My adventurous spirit surely didn’t come from my parents. The words “Go! Travel to different countries! Live a little before you settle down!” never escaped their lips. This wasn’t a priority for them, not a value they believed was important to pass on, and so it didn’t become a priority for me either. I didn’t acquire a taste for travel until I started dating my husband, who helped me realize that there’s a whole world out there waiting to be explored.

Fellow writer Orlando J. Rodriguez touched on the notion that abuelita may be holding us back from moving too far away from family – but could our families also be holding us back from visiting new and distant places?

Incomes vary from person to person, of course, and some of us can only afford one vacation per year, or even less. Is it wrong not to use our precious time off to visit loved ones back in our native countries? My Americanized brain tells me “No.” And yet that pesky collective mindset has such a hold on me that I don’t know if it’ll ever completely let me go.

There’s no question that family is important to Latinos. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t be feeling this familial responsibility engrained so deeply within me. But we need to realize that while family is important, it’s not everything, and there are certain things we need to do for our own personal enlightenment. This goes against what I was raised to believe, but I have to keep telling myself that what I’m doing is not selfish.

I am fortunate that my family has never made any snide comments to validate these feelings.  Nevertheless, before each vacation, I hear their imagined voices calling to me from across the ocean: “Don’t forget about us! We miss you!”

I look down south to where they are. “I miss you too, but I need to do this for myself.”

“But we love you!” they plead.

I look away from them, towards my next destination. “Which is why I know you’ll understand…” I shake off my internal struggle, and get on the plane.


To learn more about Cindy, visit Dagny’s Dichotomy.

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those
of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.

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Posted on May 6, 2011 at 8:00 am in Cultura, Lifestyle   |  RSS feed

9 Comments to “My family or my life?”

    
  1. nycgirl
    May 6, 2011 at 8:25 am

    You’re young and have no kids go out there and see the world! There is a lot out there to see and sometimes latinos let themselves be held back by their families who themselves have never stepped outside the box with their thinking and venturing out of their comfort zones. Family is important but you’re life is important too.

  2. C...
    May 6, 2011 at 8:43 am

    I live on the East coast and my parents and siblings the West coast. I often have these nagging feelings. I visit them every year and a half but the cost to fly there leaves me with nothing for the remainder of the year to do for me. I hate to feel obligated and they do make comments about it. My family does the guilt trip really well. They are old pros and making you feel selfish. I think I will follow your lead from now on.

  3. Gloria de Leon
    May 6, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Cindy, when my husband and I married, we made a decision to spend separate holidays with our parents in our hometowns of Houston and McAllen. We said, “Let’s spend time with them while they are alive… someday, we will wake up one morning and realize we no longer can run to see them.” For many years, we chose to spend Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, etc. around the nuclear family, which included the sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews. Fast forward 30 years and now that each of us no longer have our parents. Now, my primary support system includes my siblings, nieces and nephews. I look back and cherish the fact that I spent every Mother’s Day with my Mom. If you have a “nagging” feeling, if you miss them… listen to what your heart is calling to you. If you think you’ll run out of time to play and enjoy yourself, you won’t. But sadly, we will run out of time to spend with parents and abuelos.

  4. eileenrivera
    May 6, 2011 at 9:45 am

    I count myself very fortunate in growing up within a large extended family all living within the NYC metropolitan area. We never needed to travel for holidays. Any vacations we, as a couple, took were for pleasure and we always took our children. I admit that when I travel to Puerto Rico, I ask my mother not to tell anyone. I don’t want to hurt any feelings by not visiting.

  5. Leo Lamboy Rivera
    May 6, 2011 at 10:00 am

    I did not do that, I dutifully fulfill my Mom’s dream of having me next to her on my vacations. I always promised myself to see the world after she passed. This happened in 1996 and the furthest I went was from NYC to Florida and NYC to Arizona. I am retired now and on my own, but do not think I will travel much, I look back and think what would I do different, but I would not change any dicision, that is me.

    If your parents are youngish/ healthy; GO!!! Maybe in between you can give them a week or two, but I agree with the writer, YOU have to live your life and NO regrets!!!

  6. Tatiana
    May 6, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    @Gloria de Leon: I think the nagging feeling is due to a sense of duty to do exactly what our parents or families want us to do. It stems from a desire to live up to any expectations set for us by our parents. But there is something inherently wrong with ONLY living up to other people’s expectations and never to our own, even if the “other people” are our family members. I do think everyone should spend time with their families but not out of a sense of duty or because they’d feel guilty otherwise, but rather because they actually want to. I can’t think of anything more positive than for family members to encourage other family members to travel and see the world. Do make time for family but also make time to see what’s out there, nagging feeling or not.

  7. martin
    May 6, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    hola everybody, mi english not good, im latino i live in minesota a few years ago. few time ago mi doctor tell me i have diabetes type 1. diabetes afect a lot latinos, be informed!!! http://bit.ly/JovenesConDiabetes

  8. AnaGloria
    May 6, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    If you have a “nagging” feeling, sounds to me like your next trip should be Columbia. Think of it as a new adventure if you haven’t been there in a while–explore new areas

  9. BrooklynPR
    August 26, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Cindy, I’m enjoying reading many of your articles even if I don’t always agree with your opinions. I had a few thoughts on this one b/c you sound like my wife and I at times. I’m glad that you’re exploring with your husband. It sounds like you love your family dearly and you’ll see them when it feels right. Life is unkind in that you never know when we will lose someone we love. BUT, if you planned your life around that uncertainty you would NEVER move/go anywhere. We will all have feelings that we “shoulda”, “coulda”, “woulda” visited sooner if we knew this or that. That will always be there. But take your trips while you can….see your family when you can….and choose both when you WANT to.

    On a side note, I was curious about something. Your bio says you were born in Queens, NY. Your article above references visiting “our native countries”. Your native country is the US. Your ethnic heritage ties you to Colombia. I hear alot of Latinos make similar statements when referring to their country of origin. A Puerto Rican born in Brooklyn NY, like myself, is a US citizen. I’m a US American who happens to have a Puerto Rican ethnic heritage. I stress this because you also use the phrase “My Americanized brain……”. Chica, you are not “Americanized”….you are an American. 🙂 Just saying.