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Marriage: To keep my name or take his?

by Karina Vasquez

If you were to see my fiance and I walking hand in hand against a New York City backdrop, you probably would not assume we were an interracial couple. We both have lighter complexions, he more than I. We both have straight hair; his is blond, mine brown. We both tend to favor classic brands like Ralph Lauren and Sperry.

However, despite our physical similarities and our affinity for American sportswear, we are an interracial couple. I am of Puerto Rican and Chilean descent and he is a reform Jew, born and raised in Savannah, Georgia. Although our upbringings represent two entirely different worlds, we have a very healthy relationship, and since its inception, we’ve strived to learn more about one another’s culture.

In our first year of dating, I did my research and discovered a reform synagogue in Union Square that was welcoming to interfaith couples. I was raised Catholic, but had not practiced it in my adulthood, and was open to adopting a new religion if it felt right. My boyfriend had never pressured me into converting, but after my first experience in the synagogue I knew I had found a religion that I would trust to guide my life decisions.

Around the same time that I made the decision to convert, my boyfriend bought Rosetta Stone in an effort to learn Spanish, as I am a native speaker and the majority of my family solely speaks Spanish. Judaism came much easier to me than Spanish did to him, but fast forward two years later and we have both found aspects of one another’s cultures that we cherish.

Now as we shop for my engagement ring and discuss wedding arrangements, I cannot help but wonder how the hell I am going to keep my Latino roots alive with a last name like Greenberg. One of the things I love most about my last name is that although my ethnicity is unknown with a first look at me, once you hear my last name, you know I am a Latina. However, I also wonder if I was to keep my last name, would I lose a familial connection with my future husband? I toss around the idea of hyphenating, but isn’t Vasquez-Greenberg just too long? I ask my fellow Latinas and Latinos on Being Latino, help me out and give me your thoughts. This Judia Latina would love to hear them.

To learn more about Karina, visit Karina Vasquez.

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those
of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.

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Posted on April 13, 2011 at 8:15 am in Cultura, Lifestyle   |  RSS feed

37 Comments to “Marriage: To keep my name or take his?”

    
  1. OneBrownGirl
    April 13, 2011 at 8:30 am

    I think keeping your cultural roots alive is more about the traditions you practice than about your last name. But I also understand the importance we place on our identities and I would probably hyphenate as a matter of cultural pride. And no, it’s not too long. It’s pretty cool from my perspective. Congratulations!

  2. Nicolle Morales Kern
    April 13, 2011 at 9:13 am

    It really comes down to what you’re comfortable with, but I agree with OneBrownGirl that hyphenating wouldn’t be too long at all. Actually, two last names is common and actually short for some Latinos. For instance, I have both my mother’s and father’s last names. I like it because it reflects the joining of two families, instead of you just falling under his. I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of becoming a “Mrs. (insert husband’s name).

  3. Shinken del Fénix
    April 13, 2011 at 10:42 am

    I have a very “American” last name yet I try to maintain ties to my culture (Afro-Cuban) it was hilarious when a Spanish speaking event was going on and my name would be amongst the others in roll call, people would say “¿Què?” I agree with the other commenters that name means little at all, a recognition of your heritage is far more important I believe.

  4. Loren Alfaro Rodriguez
    April 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Vazquez-Greenberg is not long at all!! Checkout mine Alfaro-Rodriguez! haha, and that’s even before I think of getting married. However, I know for sure that I will be keeping my own last name. The previous comments are right in that name should not matter in regards to keeping your culture, but also shouldn’t matter in your relationship. If you feel more strongly about keeping your last name I’m sure your future husband will be more than happy to know you guys are married than whether you take on his last name or not :). After all, most Latina women and in most Latino cultures the woman keeps her own last name.

  5. Yvonne
    April 13, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Just remember Jackie O she had three names her fathers, her husbands and her second husbands and she carried all three with dignity. Also there are plenty of Judio-Latinos with Jewish last names but I would keep both for your parents gave you life and your husband with give you another life. Be happy and as they MAZEL-TOV.

  6. Cynthia Smith
    April 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

    As a Afro-Latina, whose parents are from Honduras, I don’t have a Latino last name at all — Bodden is Dutch/German and I struggled with the fact that I didn’t have a Latino last name for most of my life. I agree with the other commenters that the last name means little at all. I took my husband’s last name and you can definitely hypenate. I think is sounds fabulous!

  7. aaaaaaaa@ass.com
    April 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Why do you even have to change your last name? O-o You a re not obligated anymore.

  8. Jerry Martinez
    April 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

    I don’t think it makes that much of a difference. I mean being a woman, you don’t pass your name down to your children. If and when you do have children, you are always going to be referred to as Mrs. Greenberg anyway.I used to hate the fact that I had a non-Latino first name. I went through my adolecence envying my brother Carlos, or the Miguel & jose’ in the nieghborhood. In the end, para que? I’m much more in touch with my Latino roots than any of them. You are a Latina, no name change or hyphenation is going to change that. I agree with the others who posted in saying that regonition of your heritage will define you much more. All in all what’s more important? Being a Jerry or a Greenberg, and representing your Latino culture with the pride & dignity it deserves. Or being a Carlos or a Ramirez, who only shows pride when there is a parade or something? Do what feels best. Cherish the gift of love that you have been given, and you’ll be happy in the end.

    • Christina
      April 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm

      Who says that “as a woman you don’t pass your name down to your children”? That’s up to the individual.

      • Jerry Martinez
        April 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

        Well I didn’t make that statement to start a debate, but personally. I don’t know any children now or ever in my 41 years on this Earth. That carry their mother’s last name versus the father’s. Maybe if there is no marriage or relationship between the parents, I can see that being the case. Other than that I’ve never seen it. Also seeing that the author has converted to Judism, it would be safe to assume that the children would also be raised Jewish. Thus making the Greenberg last name (for the children) a smoother transition in raising them in the religion.

    • Chantilly Patiño
      April 13, 2011 at 3:46 pm

      Jerry, I am one woman who did pass my name down to my daughter. In fitting with old traditions she has her fathers last name and mine. It’s not that uncommon.

      • Jerry Martinez
        April 13, 2011 at 9:39 pm

        But she does have her father’s name. That wasn’t my argument. Us Latino’s tend to pile on name’s I am fully aware of that.

  9. Sandy
    April 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

    I am of Guatemalan decent and my last name was not Latino last name (Young) either and growing up people never could figure what nationality I came from, but when I got married almost 5yrs ago it took me 6 months to finally agree to change my last name. I have a very close relationship with my father and I felt that if I changed my last name I would lose a piece of him. At the same time my husband who is of Mexican decent wanted me to take his name and wouldn’t go for hyphenating our names together. In the end I decided to change my name because nothing really could change the bond I have with my father, but I did get a tattoo with my initials SLY as a tribute of where I came from.

  10. Gloria M.Rivera-Gomez
    April 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

    I can honestly understand how you feel, and somewhat agree with the other comments too.
    Here is why, in my first marriage my name was Gloria M.Benitez, and yes somehow I did feel I lost a part of me. In fact at times I felt that since I had a new last name I had to even create a new me. After all it was all new to me being a young wife, since. I even had people tell me oh.. you have to change now..act differently-you’re married now and Mrs. Benitez.
    Even though I somewhat agreed, I was confused for while- I couldn’t understand why; because to me only my last name had changed. I was still the same Gloria Maria my family and friends knew- so why was almost every one else saying that I had to change or that I had to be different? Well to make a long story short that marriage lasted 20 years. I got divorced and for 2 yrs I was Gloria M. Gomez again. I cannot tell you how good that felt. Yes, I did enjoy most of the times being Mrs. Benitez especially when it came to my children but I somehow felt I regained myself or my identity if I could say that. Then happened what I thought would never happen again- I remarried! Only this time for the last 15 years I’ve been and I’m called Gloria M. Rivera-Gomez. Even the department of social security and DMV recongnizes me this way. It’s not like the spanish tradition where I would have been Gloria M. Gomez Rivera meaning..Gomez de Rivera-( it’s Iike you’re someone’s property)-not!
    No- it’s Gloria M. Rivera-Gomez, Rivera from marriage but yes Gomez for who I’ve been and always will be regardless of who I marry or whose last name I take on.
    Good Luck in your decision and Best Wishes for your and your future husband- God Bless 🙂

  11. susan
    April 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Ah, the great question! Maiden name:Perez, married name:Dumler. We struggled mightily with this before we married. I keep Perez professionally but recently started hyphenating. Perez is the name I built my career with and it would feel strange to let it go. Whichever you decide on needs to feel comfortable to you. There is a beauty to long, hyphenated names; pride in your past and excitement for your future. Mazel Tov!!

  12. Christina
    April 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    In Spain and many Latino countries, people just add the new name. So taking a traditional approach could involve just adding the new name on. I’m also facing this same situation, since I am in a long relationship with a Jewish man and I love my name for a lot of reasons, including how it’s instantly reognizable as Latino.

    • Jerry Martinez
      April 13, 2011 at 12:46 pm

      But we aren’t in Spain or in a Latino country, we are in the United States, that is why the author poses the question. Bottom line is, if you are that concerned about being “recognized as Latio”. Maybe you sould just keep your name, or find a Latino man with the same last name. Thus eliminating any confusion. Marriage is change, you are no longer an individual entity. Being the only man to comment on this article, please let me say this. As a man it is important TO ME, that my significant other take my last name. It is in no way an obligation, just MY personal preference. A woman willing to take my last name, is paying me the biggest compliment she can.

      • Christina
        April 13, 2011 at 1:23 pm

        No, we are not “in” those places, but that does not mean we can’t learn from those traditions and employ them in our own lives here.

      • Jerry Martinez
        April 13, 2011 at 1:31 pm

        Tradition is also taking your husbands last name, and the children taking his last name. No? In my honest opinion people try to be too individualistic in marriage, and that is why they don’t work more often than not. Now before I get bashed here. I prefer to do the cooking in my home, I do my share of cleaning. Bills get paid as a team. I control no one, and no one controls me. So I am not your “typical” Latino male, but there are traditional things that remain important to me. Again nothing is mandatory, but compassion & consideration go a long way

      • Chantilly Patiño
        April 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

        Jerry, it sounds like the privilege your gender gives you is preventing you from seeing a critical element of the female perspective. OUR identity is important too and there is nothing wrong with us maintaining part of it…whether it be material or not. You “prefer” a woman to have your name, how can you not understand a woman’s preference to keep hers???

      • Jerry Martinez
        April 13, 2011 at 9:50 pm

        You are correct in saying that I prefer a woman taking my name. Of course I can understand a woman wanting to keep her own. That is why it is a preference & not a requirement. Please do no try to read into what I’m stating. I don’t see a woman taking my name as a privlege as you state. It is part of tradition. It is also an honor. Let me expalin further. At a wedding the bride is “given away” to the groom by the father of the bride. He gives you away, so you take the new man in your life’s name. That’s why I find it comical when women say, “i kept my name to keep a part of my father”. Don’t you understand? That’s an honor for the father to put his daughter in good hands. It is also an honor for the “new man” to accept that. When you keep the name you’re actually dishonoring the two most important men in your life. That’s just they way most men see it.

  13. Camila
    April 13, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    I ended up with both my parents’ surnames – my mother kept her surname (she’s English), my father passed on the first part of his (he’s Chilean), so I have a double-barrelled name. If I get married, I intend to keep my name, but do the same as my mother, and pass on my surname somehow (although maybe a triple-barrelled name would be a few too many names for doctors’ receptionists to get to grips with!)

    I thought that in Latino countries, the wife would often add on the husbands surname but prefixed with ‘de’…? (Vasquez de Greenberg…?)

  14. Karina Vasquez
    April 13, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Thank you all so much for the advice. I honestly wrote this article to see how Latinos, specifically Latinas deal with maintaining their identity when they are dating/marrying someone who is not Latino. It is exciting to read your suggestions and stories. And Jerry, bendito, you did start a debate. Yes I understand that traditionally in the USA, women shed their maiden names and take on their husband’s last name, however as many members of the Being Latino community have stated, it is Latino tradition to add your husband’s last name to your own. In regards to future children (very very in the future) I would raise them Jewish, however since there are maybe Latino Jews out there, I am sure they would not have a problem identifying as both Latino and Jewish with two last names. But in the end, you Jerry, are right, “cherish the gift of love that you have been given, and you’ll be happy in the end;” well said!

    • Jerry Martinez
      April 13, 2011 at 9:59 pm

      Thank you Karina for coming to my defense. Debates I don’t mind as long as all opinions are heard & respected. Just FYI, I am a Latino who is marrying out of our culture. My future wife is Filipina, and she can’t wait to take my last name. It was barely a discussion. Children with the proper guidance will adapt to anything & everything, so I’m sure your children will be as well rounded as you & your future spouse. Good Luck!!!

  15. Chantilly Patiño
    April 13, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Karina, I thought about the same considerations you’re talking about here. My maiden name reflects my Austrian heritage and I wanted to keep it, but so wanted my husband’s last name too as a mark of our bond. Ultimately, I decided to have both and I went even more old fashioned by having “de” in my name…old school. VanAlstine de Patiño…nice huh? Yeah, it’s long…but I rarely ever have to write it out. It’s only required on a few ultra legal documents and for everything else, I just go by Patiño. If you decided to take on both, just remember that your signature is still legal no matter how you write it, even if it’s just initials…so no need to use your full (long) name everywhere! I hope this helps. =)

  16. Marlene Jacome
    April 13, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    I am a young woman of Mexican decent, who is planning to get married some day. I have spoken to my boyfriend, and we talk about marriage, and in a while we plan to get married. I have told him how I do not want to lose my last name! To me it is a sense of pride, pride in my background and my last name. My last name, Jacome, is not Mexican or considered Latino, but I love it! I plan on keeping my last name and just adding my future husband’s last name. His last name is Montoya, and I just LOVE the combination of both names. Do what you feel most comfortable with. I mean, I wouldn’t take my last name off, because I do not consider getting married, as becoming “owned’ by your husband! I am to a certain level a feminist, and we NEED to have pride in who we are and choose what WE want 🙂

  17. MIS
    April 13, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I decided to keep my last name when I got married. Our daughter has my last name as her middle name and her father’s last name. And, no, I will not be Mrs. Turner just because that’s my husband and daughter’s last name. I will nicely correct whoever make that wrong assumption and let them know what my last name is.

    I know many will disagree, but it was a decision my husband and I made and I feel it was the right one for us. After all, we are no longer considered our husband’s property once we marry, right?

  18. CatholicMommy
    April 13, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    I’m not your target audience, but another option to consider is to have both of you hyphenate. That’s what my husband and I did, because I wanted to keep my name and he wanted us to have the same name (and was getting a lot of pressure from his family not to change his).

  19. nahum
    April 13, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Keep your name and if you want to hyphenate it, don’t worry its not too long

  20. Roxana A. Soto
    April 13, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    I have a very difficult time understanding why anyone should change their last name once they get married. Why can’t each person just keep their own last name? I remember that when my now husband and I were going out, I made it clear pretty early on that I had NO intention of changing my name when and if we got married. Besides being an identity issue, as a journalist, my work has been published under the same byline since the beginning of my career and I just couldn’t fathom seeing my name as anything but Roxana A. Soto.

    Luckily, my husband, who is extremely Latino, had absolutely no issue with this because, as someone correctly stated before, this is not a custom in Latin America. And while in many countries in that continent when a woman marries she adds a “de” and her husband’s last name while keeping her own maiden name, that tradition is actually dying. In fact, none of my married friends or family back home in Peru added the “de” when they got married and they definitely did NOT change their last names.

    My children carry both their father and my last name because that’s how I grew up and that’s the only way I would feel comfortable.

    My sister who has been married three times has also had to change her last name that many times! I don’t understand why go through such a hassle. She would’ve saved herself a lot of time and aggravation if she had just kept her own last name!

    Karina, I’m wondering what your fiance thinks?

    • Chantilly Patiño
      April 14, 2011 at 4:40 am

      Lol! I love your take Roxana! Great points! I watched my mom divorce and remarry and change her name four times! When I worked for the gov, we saw how long the paper trail went from some women’s name changes and yes, it is completely ridiculous! The whole tradition is crazy when you think about it practically. There was one woman who had her name changed each time her mother remarried and then again each time she remarried as a adult…in all eight name changes! One might wonder how she ever had an identity at all…so I’m totally with you on your point, and it’s a very good one! For me, I thought about not changing my name too, but it just felt uncomfortable not to have my hubby’s name, especially since I wasn’t that fond of my own…I was ready to get rid of it. In all strangeness, I decided to get “creative” and pick a last name combination that I knew would stand out…the “de”…lol. You’re right in pointing out that it’s dying and sometimes I do feel like OMg, what the hell was I thinking by taking on this much last name…especially since I always just go by Patiño. But, I have come to love it and I do feel that it makes me somewhat of an “original”…if that makes any sense! 😉

    • Jerry Martinez
      April 14, 2011 at 8:07 am

      Roxana in your first line you write, “I have a very difficult time understanding why anyone should change their last name once they get married”. A few lines later you write this, “My children carry both their father and my last name because that’s how I grew up and that’s the only way I would feel comfortable”. The key line is “because that’s how I grew up and that’s the only way I would feel comfortable”. That’s why people change their last names as well. Being a writer, I can totallly understand you wanting to keep your last name. As a matter of fact I suggest that actresses, singers, writers and the sort NEVER change their it’s a career kill more often than not. I do however pose this question, with the shortage of “good men” out there. Would you let changing your last name be a deal breaker? Hypothetically, If you weren’t a writer and your name had nothing to do with your income. Would you really be willing to put yourself back on the market over this? I only ask this question because you were so adamant on not changing when you were courting.

      I’m sure your sister doesn’t find it aggravating or as much as a hassle you might think it is. No one goes into marriage with the assumption of repeating it three times. Again it’s hard to find a “good man”

      Chantilly, I find your arguments entertaining. You are agreeing and applauding these posts, but in all reailty. You only use your husbands last name. Sure there are some super important legal documents that have your entire name on them. Fulana from across the street knows you as Patrino.

      Women, if you have a good man, you love him. He loves you and is good to you. Hold onto him, don’t let this be a deal breaker for you. True love is hard to find.

      • Chantilly Patiño
        April 14, 2011 at 8:14 am

        It’s Patiño. I use my husband’s last name for convenience…it’s shorter, in case you hadn’t noticed. Glad you’re easily entertained.

      • Jerry Martinez
        April 14, 2011 at 8:43 am

        So it’s ok to use your hubands last name if your too lazy to write your own??? I stand corrected your are showing your identity with your name choice. I’m even more entertained now. Pardon the missing tilde, no disrespect indended.

  21. Gloria de Leon
    April 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    This is wonderful discussion with great points. I’ve always been proud of my last name and decided to keep it 28 years for one single reason. I always understood marriage to be a status, not an identity.

  22. Nicolle
    August 22, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    I just came across this article that actually introduces the idea of new couples creating a new last name by combining their existing last names. I think this is an interesting approach to this debate and a symbol of the creation of a new family.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/15/women-changing-name-after-marriage_n_927707.html