Baby(less) Mama Drama

by Libby Juliá Vázquez

My very proper Mom recently told me that being married was overrated and I should just find someone—anyone—to father her unborn grandchildren. “I’m not getting any younger and neither are you!” may have been her exact words.

As I stated in a past blog, La anti-Latina, I am an anomaly; a single, childless Latina in her 30s.

I don’t believe that Latinos fare much better under the same circumstances.  Many assume that a man is gay or a player if he manages to make it to his 30s childless.

Whether by choice or by circumstance, we somehow resisted the mythical superpowers that the Latino sperm and the Latina womb hold. We have time to focus on education, careers, travel and all the joys that come from being free of the responsibility of children.  Sure some of us want children, some of us don’t.  We are all different people with similar circumstances, for women (since I can’t speak for men) this includes learning how to deal with the following situations:

Conversations– In my early twenties I worked in an office full of single and childless women who got along great. One day one of them came in and announced that she was pregnant.  Work turned into a bad episode of the Twilight Zone: The Mommy Zone.  All of a sudden all they could talk about was morning sickness, trimesters and semesters (that one may be wrong), and bottle vs. breast feeding, a new language I didn’t understand.  Work was never the same after that so I coped  by delving into this new thing called work.

Baby showers– I HATE baby showers; there’s no reciprocal event for childless women. No one would be amused upon receiving an invitation stating ‘I just got a cute new puppy and I’m registered at Pet Smart.’  Aside from the dent gifts put on your wallet, they are three to four hours spent playing silly games (really chocolate as poop?), and saying “No thanks, I don’t like cake.  No it’s true. Yes, I know it’s weird” that I can never get back. To my friends who are planning on getting pregnant, know that there’s a BIGGER and BETTER gift in store for you if my invitation to your shower gets ‘lost in the mail.’  My baby shower will consist of belly dancing lessons, for obvious reasons.

Children’s birthdays– Unless you can keep yourself busy by helping the Mom, you are stuck in conversations with Mom types who make you feel bad about your own childless state by asking questions like “Which ones are yours?” and “Don’t you want to be a Mom?” if they find out the answer is none.  I avoid the latter question by pointing towards a group of kids and saying, “that one” to the first question, while crossing my fingers and hoping that they all don’t know at least one child in the group.

Christmas– My oldest nephew is 24 (I was a very young aunt).  I’ve been buying presents and not finding anything with my name under the tree for many years.  Where is the fairness, oh, and while we’re looking for fairness, where’s that karaoke machine I’ve been hinting about for five years?


To learn more about Libby,
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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.


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12 Comments to “Baby(less) Mama Drama”

  1. Your post reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie goes to a baby shower and is made to leave her Manolos at the door so “no germs would get in the house”. As she goes to leave it turns out that a party guest stole her shoes (I would have been livid). The rest of the episode deals exactly with the fact that if you are childless, you don’t get really get equivalent gifts. And I agree with you, it isn’t fair.

    I think it’s a shame that the only topic of conversation are the children once they arrive. I’m sure it’s a wonderful experience to have them, but they should not be the center of ALL conversations.

  2. Libby thanks for the post, going through that situation myself, crazy.

  3. OmG PERFECT timing with this post. I’ll pretend it was meant for me as a reminder of why my child-less single life is where I need to be now.

    I’m not even near my thirties yet and I get bombarded with pesky “I-hope-you’re-getting-ready-to-be-married-and-have-kids-any-day-now.”

    Although I still like babyshowers/kid’s bdays/weddings, somehow at babyshowers I get stuck among the kiddie section, at weddings you get the awkward table mostly filled with widows, and at kid’s bdays you get somewhat secluded because you can’t understand the life of the parents.

    If and when marriage and kids come along, then the package will come. In the meantime, I’ll enjoy naked Wednesdays, hungover Saturdays, Beauty Sundays rituals, daily reading sessions, lazy cocktail days, and silence with alone time.

    Not too bad for the life of the unmarried and childless Latina 🙂

    @ Nicolle: I know which episode you’re talking about.. LOL!!

  4. Oh! I almost forgot something:

    I think it’s safe to say a lot of parents are made to feel guilty for not placing their kids as the center of their universe. Which is dead wrong, I mean just because you become a parent it doesn’t mean you stop being your own person.

    • As a mami my son IS the center of my universe. If someone doesn’t like it then they don’t have to talk to me. Period. I make no excuses for wanting to talk non-stop about my Shaunsito. However, to play fair I am also the good friend that listens to my single friends’ gripe about what a jerk the current boy/girlfriend is or why they just can’t find Mr./Mrs. Right or perhaps they hate their job so much and just want out and so on and so forth. Listen, we all have our own thing that I’m sure at least one person would like us to shut up about. At least now I know not to talk incessantly about kids with Libby! Though I don’t agree completely I think this was a great post and might make us all think twice next time. 🙂

      • Nothing wrong with it… As long as you remind yourself he is the center of YOUR universe 😉

      • @ Jennifer as a mother I totally understand how you feel about your son b/c I feel the same way :). Most of my friends don’t have kids and I’ve been there to listen to guy gripes, etc. but they also listen to my gripes that’s what true friends do and I feel if you don’t want to listen to someone’s gripes once in a while seek friends that are exactly like yourself childless and it wouldn’t be an issue.

  5. Although I respect the position your mother took and how it might make sense if continue to accept the current trending of relationships. I disagree with the premise that relationships are overrated and will end in heartbreak. I love my Mamasita and I know she loves me. I don’t always get it right but I do my best everyday. I’m in it Until God brings one of us home.

    You can’t allow men to be 2nd rate….you have to demand more from them. You have to expect them to be men. That begins with you being a woman and holding it down for yourself. A mate shouldn’t make you happy they should enhance your happiness. You must be happy first…that comes from within. My wife can be happy without me…I just make it so she desires and requires me. My day isn’t complete without her..regardless of the circumstances. NO ONE can replace her! Thats how a man and woman should be… not perfect but working to grow. Don’t settle for less… and if you can’t find him, you might want to change where and what you are fishing for. You might want to change your heart first. Sorry I rambled on, I just believe in relationships and what they represent. Many blessings to all of those out there looking….

  6. I think that pressuring anyone to have a child b/c their reaching a certain age that society or culture feels that they’re ready or should have kids is not fair to the woman or man. Times are changing and women are getting married older, having children later focusing on their careers enjoying their youth and freedom, etc. and while some people in our culture can’t grasp that concept this topic is very real and I think you should have a child when you’re mature enough emotionally are ok financially and have a stable respectful loving relationship with a partner if you have none of these things just to have a child b/c your biological clock is ticking out loud isn’t responsible at all once that child is here your life WILL change. I’ve seen plenty of examples of people who weren’t responsible and are like overgrown children themselves it’s sad that these children have them to look up to as “parents”. I had my first child at 31 and even at that age I didn’t feel ready and was afraid and it wasn’t planned but I dealt with it. It’s ok to enjoy your life be single and when mr right comes and it’s meant to be it will happen and if he never comes and you just don’t want a family that’s alright too. Live your lives and stop feeling like you need to explain to people b/c at the end of the day it’s really none of anyone’s business.

  7. HA! I love it! I’m about to hit 30, been married about a year but we’ve been together for almost 8 years. Even when you’re married, the next set of questions is about kids! People ASSUME everyone wants kids or should have them pretty immediately upon marriage. Get serious – we have other priorities right at the moment, though we do want kids one day. Now is not that day and people need to stop overstepping those boundaries of entitlement! =)

  8. This was funny!! I can partially relate with the convos considering I’ve tried the mom path and it just didn’t work out for me. Now i’m rediscovering that the ‘mom’ in me has a lot more to learn about MYSELF… one day I hope to reign in my offspring but for now I’m loving my single years! Love this post Libby!

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